so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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