Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
