My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
