why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The police scanner is talking about you again....
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
