just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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