And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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