you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
