seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
