shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
