how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
