Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
