someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
