haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Drake has all the answers
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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