someone threw a dead crab at me
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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