Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
