In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
