Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
