I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize