God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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