so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
