then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
