I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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