he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
