My brain says no but my pants say off.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize