Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It's shark week go big or go home
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
