apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
She's the barista slut.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
