I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
