Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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