So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
