had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
i think i just lost a toe
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
