Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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