dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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