Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
