Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
