And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
