I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
