Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
