I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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