i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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