sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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