I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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