You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My vagina is officially offended.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
