saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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