fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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