you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize