Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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