Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
