It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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