I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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