i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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