So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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