For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
