Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
