dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
