Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i drank out of a bidet.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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