Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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