i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
we're making bets on your personal life
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
