if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
