my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
