i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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